This is a blog about my thoughts and feelings in my journey, my coming home to Catholicism. Not that I have ever been one, I just felt that way, since I was brought up in the Anglican faith, specifically the Church of Ireland, but I felt The Church calling me ever since I was small.
I tried to write this down, but my hand hurt - I suppose I should practise more, but for the purpose of this, I'm typing.
My sister hates that I'm changing religion. She thinks Catholics are to blame for everything that's gone wrong in the world. The venom she spewed at me when I told her, I was shocked that someone could think that way - or rather, that one of MY family thought that way.
My parents don't like it either, which is why I suppose they just sat there, and watched her as she verbally puked on me. I'm all alone in this, on my journey, exploring this new place, and people, and there's no one to share it with, no one to show the new hymns I've fallen in love with, to, no one to share the wonder I feel at the Mass.
Sure all the people in Mass have already seen it a million times before, and what would I say to them? How would I even begin to explain how wonderful it all seems to me?
My dad, he asked me once, "Have you got that choir into shape?" and was going on about how he thought no one sang at Mass anymore, and me not knowing, since I like the quieter weekday morning service, didn't know what to reply so I just shrugged, as if to say I'd be a Catholic if the Mass was silent and no one versed a peep!
Tonight though, I looked catholic hymns up on YouTube, and I found one, I think it's my favourite ever.
There's a gaelic version, but I like to understand it, it's like a prayer in my head.
What a stunningly beautiful hymn. i'm reminded of the last i belonged to the church choir. i struggled because we would rise to sing straight away after communion. well, after i have received the Body and Blood of Christ i cannot help but to need some quiet time lost in prayer, time to reflect, to allow His peace and Mercy to wash over me. So, i left the choir. The director was not pleased, and when i told her why, she argued with me, telling me that singing is prayer. Well, i don't dispute that, but it is not the prayer that my soul was seeking during those most sacred moments. A few years later i moved to a new city and a new church. The choir in that church did not rise up after communion to begin singing. they knelt quietly as the rest of the congregation. The silence was not at all out of place but felt completely right. in retrospect it seems we were all singing a silent hymn in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteYour family loves you i am certain. it may get worse before it gets better but take strength in knowing that you are, indeed, following your heart, and remember the title of this blog. i am trying to recall the names of some saint i think might be helpful in this instant. Saint Paul immediately comes to mind, but i know there are others maybe more intimately suited to your situation.
p.s. this is sani *smiles*
Oh I completely understand about the peacefulness..I get a blessing at Mass, as I am not fully in the Church, and it renews my faith each day, and makes it tons easier to stick to my conversion, when people are mean.
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